A Very Special Post by Sara Dwigans

Kaitlyn here! I'm elated to introduce my cousin, Sara. She is a wonderful young woman who has been through much. I am grateful for her friendship and example to me. Like myself, Sara recently finalized her divorce. We can learn much from her, and I am grateful she agreed to guest post.

 


When Kaitlyn asked me to write a guest blog, I didn’t really know how I felt or what to say. We are going through the same life changes in our lives and we can relate on many different levels. We are both young and divorced and never saw our lives happening this way. When I chose to get married at 21, it was to someone I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. We had known each other for years but always had our problems just like everyone else. When things ended, it was my choice. I say this so I can really tell what’s on my mind. It wasn’t his entire fault and it wasn’t my entire fault. Over the two and a half years we were married we both had equal parts in the marriage that made it clear that it was best to end the marriage. I want to elaborate on what I have gone through these past 5 months when I decided I was done.
#1- It was your choice; why are you sad?
This broke my heart every time I was asked this question. Just because I made the choice to divorce doesn’t mean I can’t grieve too? I was married and it ended. It was brutally emotional. It was a fight every night with God wondering what I should do. It was emotionally draining. I became more depressed than I already was. It broke my heart, and it affected our families and friends. I lost friends because of it. It was and still is sometimes terribly emotional. Just because I chose this does not mean it wasn’t and still isn’t hard. Sometimes in life I have learned you have to put everything aside and realize that it is better to move on alone than to be with someone who you know deep down inside that it is not going to work. Divorce is an option, but it is not to be taken lightly.

It is not a game. It is not a joke. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. It is between you, your spouse, and God.

It is not between your parents or his parents or your friends. It is between you and the Lord and what you think is best for you in the end. Keep that relationship sacred from the beginning. The more people you tell that you and your spouse are fighting the more opinions you will have. Pick few and confide in them but this isn’t something the world should know.

# 2 - I do deserve to be happy and have joy.
People would ask me, did the Lord tell you to divorce? I believe that God would never tell me the choice I was supposed to make. This is why we are given free agency. When I prayed the answer I got was this: 

"I want you to heal, I want you to have joy. What will let you heal?"

He left the choice up to me and what I believed would make me heal and have joy. He is God and he will never take the right for you to choose.

#3- Why did you react like that? Why did you do that? You are selfish for wanting a divorce. Think about what everyone will think! 
No one can ever tell you how to feel or how you should feel. Most of us, if not all of us, will hit rock bottom sometime in our lives. We will never know what we would do until we are in those shoes. Don’t let anyone ever say, "I would have done this if I was in this situation" or "I would have handled that this way." They are not you and they are not in your shoes. They do not feel what you feel. Do not feel bad about grieving. Do not beat yourself up because your 'plan A' didn’t work.

Don’t you dare think you are less of a person because your marriage didn’t work out!

Satan is real and he will do anything to destroy you and to take away your self-confidence. 
#4 I am beautiful and I will find love again.
There is no time limit on how fast or how slow you will find someone else. Follow your heart. Most importantly, know yourself. Don’t rely on anyone else’s faith but your own. If your world falls apart, your testimony, faith and family are all you have.

Have confidence in yourself without a man or a woman in your life.

You must be confident with yourself first. Have a relationship with the Lord. Love yourself so someone can love you. Rely on yourself and know that you are number 1 in God’s eyes and will always be. 

#5- Don’t blame God.

Depression and anxiety and other things will try and bring you down. I have dealt with this all my life and it doesn’t get any better when things get hard. Find things you love, force yourself to stay active even if it’s going on a walk for one minute. Love yourself and stay close to the ones you know you can trust. Many things contributed to the end of my marriage... It wasn’t God who made me fight with my husband and it wasn’t God who made us divorce. God was always there when I needed him and sometimes things happen in life that I can’t control.

It’s how I choose to react that makes a difference. Don’t blame God.

Stay close to the Lord and remember how you react to things in your life will make all the difference. 
My point in all of this is you can control your life. Mistakes of the past do not define you.

You are beautiful no matter what happens to you. You deserve what you believe you deserve. Believe in yourself and that you can have that happy ending you've always dreamed of.

Fear; Dating The Divorced

I haven't posted in quite a while due to fear.

I have a lot of new friends and acquaintances in Utah; some of them know of the divorce, some do not. Those who know of my trial this last year, know me and love me regardless. They care for me. They ask of my struggles often and help me through the tough days. I am grateful for those wonderful people God has put into my life. I am pleased to say that I have not yet received a negative response to my honestly. Not yet...

If you didn't know, I was married and divorced last year in 2014. Voila! (Now was that so hard? Yes. It is always hard to tell new people.) If you want to know more, please just ask.

It is those with whom I have not yet entrusted with this sacred portion of my life, however, that I fear: those who may judge, assume, or misunderstand. Those who will not have the desire to understand, but will cast me off as less than they. Simply, because I am no longer married, because of a trial that I endured.

Divorce is not something that is spoken of openly; I want that to change. For me (I will not speak for others), I do not want those that I care about to feel that they have to tiptoe around me. Yes, it is quite true that I am occasionally emotionally unstable due to feelings regarding the divorce, but I have learned that feelings are good. They teach you much about yourself. 

Divorce does not define a person.

I have often found myself walking on campus with my head down thinking: "No one would want to date a divorced woman anyway." Or "why even worry about the first date? He wouldn't want a second date with a divorcee anyway."

In saying this, I look not for reassurance or for encouraging words. I want to be honest because I am certain that I am not the only one who has had this or a comparable thought. 

So, perhaps it's not a previous divorce that holds you back, perhaps it's an already forgiven sin in your past, or feelings of inadequacy in comparison to the ridiculous amount of beautiful, worthy women in the world (especially at BYU, about 10,000 to be exact).

To those who can relate to my sentiments and also feel inadequate, I relate the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf: stop it.

When I catch myself thinking these terribly self-deprecating thoughts, I give myself the ol' 1-2, straighten my spine, and realize my own advice: mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you.  

Stop comparing yourself to others. Quit telling yourself that you are not enough. You ARE enough. You are a son or daughter of GOD. Is that not enough? Is your royal heritage not enough to help you to know your worth? It is. It is enough. YOU are enough.

With that lengthy intro... I come to my advice for today:

Dating the divorced.

Now, I am no expert on this subject and never will be. I only know how I would want others to react and how I want to be treated. I have been on very few dates since my divorce; however, I have learned a few things:

1. Listen

If someone opens up to you about something so sacred as a divorce or the like, listen to them. Opening up about life changing experiences that have the possibility of bringing judgement is extremely difficult. You probably will never understand what that person has gone through, the feelings that they felt, or lingering feelings that effect them everyday. Do not pretend that you understand, because you can't. Which is normal. Just as your shouldn't pretend, you should not feel obligated to feel like you should understand. Realistically, they told you because they care about you and want you to know more about them. Just show that you care back.

2. Feel

Feelings are good. Feelings are healthy. You probably will not know how to react, and that is okay. Ask them what they need from you as a friend. Ask them how you can help. And then feel with them. You will not understand their emotions, but empathy goes a very long way.

3. Be Honest

Suppose for a moment that you have just gone on a third or fourth date with someone you're pretty into and told them something intimate about your life, perhaps about a divorce. They seem to take it well in person, then you never hear from them again. Think of how you may feel... Awful, right? Right.

Be honest with that person. Tell them how you feel. It will be awkward: serious conversations generally are. And that's okay. Work through it. It will be worth it.

These three pieces of advice seem very simple, but they are extremely important. I am grateful for the awful year that last year was; I have learned so much and continue to learn more each day. I am grateful for the forgiveness that I have had the opportunity to give others. I am grateful for the sustenance that God has granted me during this trial.

I do not want to hide this part of my life (hence an extremely revealing blog), and my hope is that others will no longer feel that they have to either.