Processing... 78%

At times, I have a very hard time processing my emotions. Right now is, understandably, one of them. I feel like a small country recuperating from an atomic bomb.

Coming out of the shelter, seeing the aftermath, trying to figure out where to start the reconstruction. No matter how bad the destruction, there is still hope.






Oh.. I suppose I should mention that the divorce is final. I'm a single woman again! (Wink Face)

Optimism Does Not Negate Pain

I just want to highlight today the fact that you can be positive and progressing forward in life while still in pain.

Jacob and I submitted the finalization for the divorce today.* I cried practically the entire time. I called him a mean name. I was very hurt (there is no reason to call others names, regardless of pain). I left crying. My reaction to this milestone of our divorce may seem odd, considering my last post discussed moving forward in life and choosing to be happy.
Why didn't I just choose to be happy? If I'm choosing to be happy, why do I still feel sad?
*Can I just say that divorces take forever? I thought we'd be finished today, but turns out it will be another week.



My point today:
It is normal to grieve. It is healthy to grieve. It is okay to be sad for a time. You cannot rush your happiness.

It is true: you can choose to be happy; however, you must give yourself time to heal. I am still healing and grieving over the loss of the man I fell in love with and the marriage that will soon be dissolved. I am grieving while being optimistic for the future. I have chosen to mourn and remain positive concurrently.

You cannot suppress your sad feelings, this will cause many more problems. Being sad does not make you a failure or a hypocrite; it makes you a human. It makes you real.
Note: healing does not happen overnight. Give yourself time. Be patient with your heart. It is good to have pain; it shows that you are human and have feelings (if you didn't have feelings, you couldn't love again, right?). Feelings are good. Choose to learn from them. Do not suppress them.



Our freedom of choice is a beautiful gift from God. We must use it wisely.
We can use this gift to be healthy.

I am choosing to heal now, so I can love the man that will be my eternal companion even more purely.

Normal is Relative

Multiple times it has been said to me:
"Now life can just go back to normal!"
"Now you can be normal again!"
"You have to act as if it never happened."
"When dating, just don't tell him about the divorce until you get in a serious relationship."
"Aren't you afraid that they'll think of you as 'damaged goods?'" (That one makes me ANGRY).

I would not truly become who God whats me to be if I were to deny this part of my life.


It happened. It hurts. I was very sad. Hope had gone out the window. I didn't know where to go. Why wasn't God stopping this? What had I done to deserve this? I could not stop being sad. So. Sad.
Until I realized.......




I had complete control of MY life.
No, I could not control Jacob. I could not change his actions. I could not make his choices for him.
I could, however, control my thoughts and my reactions to the natural feelings of sadness. I could control my surroundings. I had my agency (the free gift from God to make choices). I could control how I reacted to this difficult situation.

I was recently called "Miss Independent StrongPants." I sincerely believe that phrase can pertain to me ONLY because I have made the choice to let this trial change me for the better. The divorce has easily been the most pivotal point in my life. I made the choice to become better. I made the choice to love myself. I made the choice to continue to progress. To see the happiness in life.

This is my new normal. I cannot deny this part of my life. I have become better because of it. I am grateful. I am hopeful. I look forward to my new future.
It looks brighter and brighter each and every day.

Resonance Comes With Pertinance

This song made ZERO sense until the divorce. Now it resonates.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

How long will Thine hand be stayed?

First: I hope I don't push the lines of confidentiality. I hope to only express the feelings that I have held in and tried to process and understand to no avail. I hope to uplift. I hope to empower.

Second: I love Jacob with all my heart.

I watched my husband struggle. The worst struggle that I have ever seen anyone suffer.

I am currently crying.

I could not help him. I could not console him. I didn't know what to do. Looking back, I still don't know what I should have done. I felt useless. I felt alone. I felt like God had given up on our marriage. And so did Jacob. My life was folding in on itself. My marriage was crumbling. My heart hurt daily for him. Why did HE have to suffer? He didn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

"How long will Thine hand be stayed?" - Kaitlyn Korby

I am currently angry. At myself.

How in the world could I have ever thought that? How selfish was I? I felt so lonely when I had the greatest resource that anyone could ever hope for at my fingertips: the atonement.

Christ literally knows how I felt. He had felt it prior. He knows how my husband felt.

EVERYONE: NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH... Christ knows how you feel. Christ is there for you. You are always empowered through the atonement. You can always do more. You can always love more. You can always look up. Cheer up. You have that choice. You cannot, exactly, choose your feelings, but you can choose how you react to them.

Life is hard, yes.  But life is MUCH harder without hope. You can create your own hope. I have.

I love you, Jacob.

4 Days and Counting...

Four days left as a married woman, though I haven't felt like it for months.. How long can you give in and give in and give in and continue to love unconditionally without the reciprocal? How long can your marriage struggle?
We all get angry. I am certainly not exempt from that. I say the wrong thing (i.e. very hurtful things). I worry, quite often, that the marriage would have flourished (for maybe even a little bit longer) if I had loved a little more, listened a little better, and helped a little more. Did I do more harm than good? Did I know better?


They said that the past is 20/20. It's pretty blurry right now. I think I need better glasses.











My heart is absolutely broken; however, it is not irreparable. Nothing is irreparable thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ. I am grateful daily.
I love you, Jacob.