I have a lot of new friends and acquaintances in Utah; some of them know of the divorce, some do not. Those who know of my trial this last year, know me and love me regardless. They care for me. They ask of my struggles often and help me through the tough days. I am grateful for those wonderful people God has put into my life. I am pleased to say that I have not yet received a negative response to my honestly. Not yet...
If you didn't know, I was married and divorced last year in 2014. Voila! (Now was that so hard? Yes. It is always hard to tell new people.) If you want to know more, please just ask.
It is those with whom I have not yet entrusted with this sacred portion of my life, however, that I fear: those who may judge, assume, or misunderstand. Those who will not have the desire to understand, but will cast me off as less than they. Simply, because I am no longer married, because of a trial that I endured.
Divorce is not something that is spoken of openly; I want that to change. For me (I will not speak for others), I do not want those that I care about to feel that they have to tiptoe around me. Yes, it is quite true that I am occasionally emotionally unstable due to feelings regarding the divorce, but I have learned that feelings are good. They teach you much about yourself.
Divorce does not define a person.
I have often found myself walking on campus with my head down thinking: "No one would want to date a divorced woman anyway." Or "why even worry about the first date? He wouldn't want a second date with a divorcee anyway."
In saying this, I look not for reassurance or for encouraging words. I want to be honest because I am certain that I am not the only one who has had this or a comparable thought.
So, perhaps it's not a previous divorce that holds you back, perhaps it's an already forgiven sin in your past, or feelings of inadequacy in comparison to the ridiculous amount of beautiful, worthy women in the world (especially at BYU, about 10,000 to be exact).
To those who can relate to my sentiments and also feel inadequate, I relate the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf: stop it.
When I catch myself thinking these terribly self-deprecating thoughts, I give myself the ol' 1-2, straighten my spine, and realize my own advice: mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Quit telling yourself that you are not enough. You ARE enough. You are a son or daughter of GOD. Is that not enough? Is your royal heritage not enough to help you to know your worth? It is. It is enough. YOU are enough.
With that lengthy intro... I come to my advice for today:
Dating the divorced.
Now, I am no expert on this subject and never will be. I only know how I would want others to react and how I want to be treated. I have been on very few dates since my divorce; however, I have learned a few things:
1. Listen
If someone opens up to you about something so sacred as a divorce or the like, listen to them. Opening up about life changing experiences that have the possibility of bringing judgement is extremely difficult. You probably will never understand what that person has gone through, the feelings that they felt, or lingering feelings that effect them everyday. Do not pretend that you understand, because you can't. Which is normal. Just as your shouldn't pretend, you should not feel obligated to feel like you should understand. Realistically, they told you because they care about you and want you to know more about them. Just show that you care back.
2. Feel
Feelings are good. Feelings are healthy. You probably will not know how to react, and that is okay. Ask them what they need from you as a friend. Ask them how you can help. And then feel with them. You will not understand their emotions, but empathy goes a very long way.
3. Be Honest
Suppose for a moment that you have just gone on a third or fourth date with someone you're pretty into and told them something intimate about your life, perhaps about a divorce. They seem to take it well in person, then you never hear from them again. Think of how you may feel... Awful, right? Right.
Be honest with that person. Tell them how you feel. It will be awkward: serious conversations generally are. And that's okay. Work through it. It will be worth it.
These three pieces of advice seem very simple, but they are extremely important. I am grateful for the awful year that last year was; I have learned so much and continue to learn more each day. I am grateful for the forgiveness that I have had the opportunity to give others. I am grateful for the sustenance that God has granted me during this trial.
I do not want to hide this part of my life (hence an extremely revealing blog), and my hope is that others will no longer feel that they have to either.
