Fear; Dating The Divorced

I haven't posted in quite a while due to fear.

I have a lot of new friends and acquaintances in Utah; some of them know of the divorce, some do not. Those who know of my trial this last year, know me and love me regardless. They care for me. They ask of my struggles often and help me through the tough days. I am grateful for those wonderful people God has put into my life. I am pleased to say that I have not yet received a negative response to my honestly. Not yet...

If you didn't know, I was married and divorced last year in 2014. Voila! (Now was that so hard? Yes. It is always hard to tell new people.) If you want to know more, please just ask.

It is those with whom I have not yet entrusted with this sacred portion of my life, however, that I fear: those who may judge, assume, or misunderstand. Those who will not have the desire to understand, but will cast me off as less than they. Simply, because I am no longer married, because of a trial that I endured.

Divorce is not something that is spoken of openly; I want that to change. For me (I will not speak for others), I do not want those that I care about to feel that they have to tiptoe around me. Yes, it is quite true that I am occasionally emotionally unstable due to feelings regarding the divorce, but I have learned that feelings are good. They teach you much about yourself. 

Divorce does not define a person.

I have often found myself walking on campus with my head down thinking: "No one would want to date a divorced woman anyway." Or "why even worry about the first date? He wouldn't want a second date with a divorcee anyway."

In saying this, I look not for reassurance or for encouraging words. I want to be honest because I am certain that I am not the only one who has had this or a comparable thought. 

So, perhaps it's not a previous divorce that holds you back, perhaps it's an already forgiven sin in your past, or feelings of inadequacy in comparison to the ridiculous amount of beautiful, worthy women in the world (especially at BYU, about 10,000 to be exact).

To those who can relate to my sentiments and also feel inadequate, I relate the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf: stop it.

When I catch myself thinking these terribly self-deprecating thoughts, I give myself the ol' 1-2, straighten my spine, and realize my own advice: mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you.  

Stop comparing yourself to others. Quit telling yourself that you are not enough. You ARE enough. You are a son or daughter of GOD. Is that not enough? Is your royal heritage not enough to help you to know your worth? It is. It is enough. YOU are enough.

With that lengthy intro... I come to my advice for today:

Dating the divorced.

Now, I am no expert on this subject and never will be. I only know how I would want others to react and how I want to be treated. I have been on very few dates since my divorce; however, I have learned a few things:

1. Listen

If someone opens up to you about something so sacred as a divorce or the like, listen to them. Opening up about life changing experiences that have the possibility of bringing judgement is extremely difficult. You probably will never understand what that person has gone through, the feelings that they felt, or lingering feelings that effect them everyday. Do not pretend that you understand, because you can't. Which is normal. Just as your shouldn't pretend, you should not feel obligated to feel like you should understand. Realistically, they told you because they care about you and want you to know more about them. Just show that you care back.

2. Feel

Feelings are good. Feelings are healthy. You probably will not know how to react, and that is okay. Ask them what they need from you as a friend. Ask them how you can help. And then feel with them. You will not understand their emotions, but empathy goes a very long way.

3. Be Honest

Suppose for a moment that you have just gone on a third or fourth date with someone you're pretty into and told them something intimate about your life, perhaps about a divorce. They seem to take it well in person, then you never hear from them again. Think of how you may feel... Awful, right? Right.

Be honest with that person. Tell them how you feel. It will be awkward: serious conversations generally are. And that's okay. Work through it. It will be worth it.

These three pieces of advice seem very simple, but they are extremely important. I am grateful for the awful year that last year was; I have learned so much and continue to learn more each day. I am grateful for the forgiveness that I have had the opportunity to give others. I am grateful for the sustenance that God has granted me during this trial.

I do not want to hide this part of my life (hence an extremely revealing blog), and my hope is that others will no longer feel that they have to either.

A Pillar of Salt

"Your past does not define you; it refines you."
Today, the elders (we have the best elders in our ward) invited me to choose a Mormon Message to watch as our spiritual thought after dinner. I chose "Look Not Behind Thee" because I remembered how funny the guy in the white collared shirt is (watch the video! it's only 3 minutes long).

While watching it, I was hit with a lot of emotion. It was so empowering. Just as on New Year's Day, everyday is the beginning of the rest of your life. I'm going to repeat that... every single day is the start of the rest of your life. Life does not start when you graduate high school, move to college, return from your mission, get married, have kids, start a career, or retire. Your life starts right now.

Now, stating that your life starts now does not mean that you won't have bad days; we all do. However, you have the choice to appreciate the bad days for what they are and more forward. Learn from the sadness. The cause of your emotions will tell you a lot about yourself and what is most important to you.

It is, of course, healthy to look forward to future milestones with hope. It is normal to be scared.

When Jacob and I made the decision to separate, I felt like my life was over. It was devastating. And, to be honest, I expressed that to him. I told him that he had ruined my life.

That may have been a little melodramatic; however, the way that I had my life planned up until that point was ruined. I had planned to move to go to school with him, graduate with him, have a family with him, be with him forever. And that life was over. It was ruined. My life as Kaitlyn Korby was no more. I had to moved back in with my parents (they were wonderfully supportive of me), figure out what to do for school, and even change my name.

But you know what? I had the opportunity (though it felt like a burden) to redefine what my life was going to be like. I got to make the choice.

Just like in the video - I really hope you've watched it by now - we need to not look behind us. The past is in the past; no matter what we do, we cannot change it. We must learn from our past and make the choice to become better because of it. If we continue to look behind us, we will miss so much precious time that we could have been spent being happy. As if that part of our lives was nothing more than a pillar of salt.

Look not behind thee. The past won't change. Learn from it, but there's no reason to dwell on it.

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life: do something about it! Make it great. Make yourself better every day! Or don't... it's your choice.

Listen to a beautiful song here that was an inspiration for this blog post.