A Pillar of Salt

"Your past does not define you; it refines you."
Today, the elders (we have the best elders in our ward) invited me to choose a Mormon Message to watch as our spiritual thought after dinner. I chose "Look Not Behind Thee" because I remembered how funny the guy in the white collared shirt is (watch the video! it's only 3 minutes long).

While watching it, I was hit with a lot of emotion. It was so empowering. Just as on New Year's Day, everyday is the beginning of the rest of your life. I'm going to repeat that... every single day is the start of the rest of your life. Life does not start when you graduate high school, move to college, return from your mission, get married, have kids, start a career, or retire. Your life starts right now.

Now, stating that your life starts now does not mean that you won't have bad days; we all do. However, you have the choice to appreciate the bad days for what they are and more forward. Learn from the sadness. The cause of your emotions will tell you a lot about yourself and what is most important to you.

It is, of course, healthy to look forward to future milestones with hope. It is normal to be scared.

When Jacob and I made the decision to separate, I felt like my life was over. It was devastating. And, to be honest, I expressed that to him. I told him that he had ruined my life.

That may have been a little melodramatic; however, the way that I had my life planned up until that point was ruined. I had planned to move to go to school with him, graduate with him, have a family with him, be with him forever. And that life was over. It was ruined. My life as Kaitlyn Korby was no more. I had to moved back in with my parents (they were wonderfully supportive of me), figure out what to do for school, and even change my name.

But you know what? I had the opportunity (though it felt like a burden) to redefine what my life was going to be like. I got to make the choice.

Just like in the video - I really hope you've watched it by now - we need to not look behind us. The past is in the past; no matter what we do, we cannot change it. We must learn from our past and make the choice to become better because of it. If we continue to look behind us, we will miss so much precious time that we could have been spent being happy. As if that part of our lives was nothing more than a pillar of salt.

Look not behind thee. The past won't change. Learn from it, but there's no reason to dwell on it.

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life: do something about it! Make it great. Make yourself better every day! Or don't... it's your choice.

Listen to a beautiful song here that was an inspiration for this blog post.

In Case You Missed It...

I will be attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah in January! I am more than excited to be attending such a great university! My intended major is Genetics and Biotechnology with an emphasis in Biobusiness. 

Anyone need a roommate for the winter semester?? I'm pretty great :)

Also, I have not had the opportunity or desire to date since the divorce.. So if you are of the male variety and will be in Utah in January, give me a shout ;)

... Yeah, I have no shame.

We All Need Saving

Have you ever been really frustrated with someone who makes a wrong decision? You think you know what is best for them, but you can't change their decision. Like a parent who tells their child not to touch the hot oven, but the child does it anyway?
Or maybe someone with depression who makes silly, irrational decisions in their emotional state?

If you're picking up what I'm putting down, check out this song. It has so much love.

"We All Need Saving"

Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

[Chorus]
When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do

[Chorus]

I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before

[Chorus]

Down in the Dumps

I like to think that I'm this invincible, happy-go-lucky, super mature, okay-with-the-divorce, "Miss Independent StrongPants-y" woman.






But I've been feeling really lonely and crummy the past few days. Every happy couple, romantic movie, or little frustration has been really tough for me. And I just really don't know why.

But... You know what? I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with feeling down every once in a while. At least it isn't everyday. If I didn't have these down days, I may start to doubt what my marriage meant to me. My marriage was VERY important to me.

Those days when I feel crummy are real. They remind me of the importance of love. They remind me that I have real feelings. And real feelings are really good.

Crummy days are good. Happy days are better.
:)

I'm Really Not Sure What To Title This Post...

I've struggled self esteem problems my entire life.

I know, very original.

There are many posts that we see on a daily basis like this one:

I sincerely believe that those who post these have good intentions: they hope to make women who believe themselves to be "thick," or not small enough, feel comfortable in their bodies. However, I don't know if those who create or repost these understand the consequences. These posts demean women who work hard for their thinner bodies. These posts demean women who are naturally skinny. 

Posts that say "Real Women Have Curves" are not healthy. So... If you don't have curves, you are no longer a "real woman?" How is that okay?

It's not.

These posts cause problems like this:

Problems like anorexia, bulimia, self-hate, and (in some cases) suicide.

What I'm trying to say is that men and women of ALL sizes are beautiful. Self worth should not be based upon what our bodies look like.

I've been going to the gym on a pretty regular basis recently (about 4 times a week) and seeing ZERO results, yet I've been feeling a lot better about myself. This has caused me to think a lot about self esteem and self worth.

Our self worth/self esteem should not be based on the color of our skin or hair or the number on the scale. It should not be based on our measurements or what society has decided is "sexy."

What should self worth be based upon?

That's not my place to say. However, I know that my self worth is based upon my divine origin as a daughter of God. It is also rooted in the progress that I have made toward the healthy goals that I have set.

I am beautiful inside and out. I am proud of who I am. I love who I am. I look forward to who I can become.

I invite you to find what your self worth is rooted in. Once you find it, please share it with someone (I would love to know!). Sharing your self worth may help to harvest another's self worth.

Processing... 78%

At times, I have a very hard time processing my emotions. Right now is, understandably, one of them. I feel like a small country recuperating from an atomic bomb.

Coming out of the shelter, seeing the aftermath, trying to figure out where to start the reconstruction. No matter how bad the destruction, there is still hope.






Oh.. I suppose I should mention that the divorce is final. I'm a single woman again! (Wink Face)

Optimism Does Not Negate Pain

I just want to highlight today the fact that you can be positive and progressing forward in life while still in pain.

Jacob and I submitted the finalization for the divorce today.* I cried practically the entire time. I called him a mean name. I was very hurt (there is no reason to call others names, regardless of pain). I left crying. My reaction to this milestone of our divorce may seem odd, considering my last post discussed moving forward in life and choosing to be happy.
Why didn't I just choose to be happy? If I'm choosing to be happy, why do I still feel sad?
*Can I just say that divorces take forever? I thought we'd be finished today, but turns out it will be another week.



My point today:
It is normal to grieve. It is healthy to grieve. It is okay to be sad for a time. You cannot rush your happiness.

It is true: you can choose to be happy; however, you must give yourself time to heal. I am still healing and grieving over the loss of the man I fell in love with and the marriage that will soon be dissolved. I am grieving while being optimistic for the future. I have chosen to mourn and remain positive concurrently.

You cannot suppress your sad feelings, this will cause many more problems. Being sad does not make you a failure or a hypocrite; it makes you a human. It makes you real.
Note: healing does not happen overnight. Give yourself time. Be patient with your heart. It is good to have pain; it shows that you are human and have feelings (if you didn't have feelings, you couldn't love again, right?). Feelings are good. Choose to learn from them. Do not suppress them.



Our freedom of choice is a beautiful gift from God. We must use it wisely.
We can use this gift to be healthy.

I am choosing to heal now, so I can love the man that will be my eternal companion even more purely.

Normal is Relative

Multiple times it has been said to me:
"Now life can just go back to normal!"
"Now you can be normal again!"
"You have to act as if it never happened."
"When dating, just don't tell him about the divorce until you get in a serious relationship."
"Aren't you afraid that they'll think of you as 'damaged goods?'" (That one makes me ANGRY).

I would not truly become who God whats me to be if I were to deny this part of my life.


It happened. It hurts. I was very sad. Hope had gone out the window. I didn't know where to go. Why wasn't God stopping this? What had I done to deserve this? I could not stop being sad. So. Sad.
Until I realized.......




I had complete control of MY life.
No, I could not control Jacob. I could not change his actions. I could not make his choices for him.
I could, however, control my thoughts and my reactions to the natural feelings of sadness. I could control my surroundings. I had my agency (the free gift from God to make choices). I could control how I reacted to this difficult situation.

I was recently called "Miss Independent StrongPants." I sincerely believe that phrase can pertain to me ONLY because I have made the choice to let this trial change me for the better. The divorce has easily been the most pivotal point in my life. I made the choice to become better. I made the choice to love myself. I made the choice to continue to progress. To see the happiness in life.

This is my new normal. I cannot deny this part of my life. I have become better because of it. I am grateful. I am hopeful. I look forward to my new future.
It looks brighter and brighter each and every day.

Resonance Comes With Pertinance

This song made ZERO sense until the divorce. Now it resonates.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

How long will Thine hand be stayed?

First: I hope I don't push the lines of confidentiality. I hope to only express the feelings that I have held in and tried to process and understand to no avail. I hope to uplift. I hope to empower.

Second: I love Jacob with all my heart.

I watched my husband struggle. The worst struggle that I have ever seen anyone suffer.

I am currently crying.

I could not help him. I could not console him. I didn't know what to do. Looking back, I still don't know what I should have done. I felt useless. I felt alone. I felt like God had given up on our marriage. And so did Jacob. My life was folding in on itself. My marriage was crumbling. My heart hurt daily for him. Why did HE have to suffer? He didn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

"How long will Thine hand be stayed?" - Kaitlyn Korby

I am currently angry. At myself.

How in the world could I have ever thought that? How selfish was I? I felt so lonely when I had the greatest resource that anyone could ever hope for at my fingertips: the atonement.

Christ literally knows how I felt. He had felt it prior. He knows how my husband felt.

EVERYONE: NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH... Christ knows how you feel. Christ is there for you. You are always empowered through the atonement. You can always do more. You can always love more. You can always look up. Cheer up. You have that choice. You cannot, exactly, choose your feelings, but you can choose how you react to them.

Life is hard, yes.  But life is MUCH harder without hope. You can create your own hope. I have.

I love you, Jacob.

4 Days and Counting...

Four days left as a married woman, though I haven't felt like it for months.. How long can you give in and give in and give in and continue to love unconditionally without the reciprocal? How long can your marriage struggle?
We all get angry. I am certainly not exempt from that. I say the wrong thing (i.e. very hurtful things). I worry, quite often, that the marriage would have flourished (for maybe even a little bit longer) if I had loved a little more, listened a little better, and helped a little more. Did I do more harm than good? Did I know better?


They said that the past is 20/20. It's pretty blurry right now. I think I need better glasses.











My heart is absolutely broken; however, it is not irreparable. Nothing is irreparable thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ. I am grateful daily.
I love you, Jacob.